Another letter to my kids

When I turned 40 I wrote a letter to my kids and posted it on Medium. It was pretty well received. Honestly, the people who read it here enjoyed it more than my kids.

That was five years ago.

My intent was to write them one every year. I failed. After a couple of half-hearted efforts, I stopped. Good intention. Poor execution.

Then a few weeks ago as I stared my 45th birthday in the face, I decided to try and write another one. It was fun, enlightening, and probably more than a little bit therapeutic.

Since giving it to them, I have come to the realization that it was more for me than for them. Over the last couple of weeks, I have tried harder to be the man who wrote the letter below. I’ve read my own advice and followed it. Is that weird? Maybe. I don’t care. It’s good advice and following it makes me a better dad, a better friend, a better human.

So maybe the value of this letter to my kids today is not the words I wrote, but the fact that I am now trying to live up to those words. Maybe the words in the letter won’t be valuable for them for years or even decades. Fine. Perfect even.

So, I am posting here and sending them the original file to help them find it when they need it.

If you are reading this and you are not one of my children I hope it encourages you.

This life thing is hard, but there is a right way to do it and it is known. Unfortunately, the knowing is the easy part. It’s the doing that’s the hard part. Let’s live it better together. Here’s the letter:

A proud (and very cheesy) dad with his family

To my five awesome kids,

It’s my birthday this week, and for my birthday I decided to write you a letter. Your present to me is reading it. Thank you in advance for my gift. I love it!

This week I turn 45 years old. It’s hate typing that. I don’t feel 45. I mean, I still wear my hat backward and laugh at fart jokes. I feel like college wasn’t that long ago, but let’s face it, I am a full-grown man. Pretty soon I will be a full-grown old man.

I’m 45!

It seems like I should pretty much have this life thing figured out, and hey, I have figured out a few things . . . but it sure feels like I have a long way to go. I constantly look at the world around me and discover how much I don’t know, how much I still have to learn. So, let me begin this letter by confessing that at 45 I absolutely do not have this life thing figured out.

Five years ago I thought I was close to figuring it out, so I wrote you a letter when I turned 40. I was (am) proud of that letter, but I will tell you that a different man wrote that letter. When I wrote that letter, I was in a season of plenty (that means I was winning a lot). I wrote that letter to share a lot of the wisdom I had gained. I am telling you, the man who wrote that letter had life by the throat and wanted everyone else to know it. A lot has happened since then.

Let’s see. In the five years since I wrote that letter:

• I got fired from my dream job.
• A global pandemic shut down the world and kept us shut in our home for a season.
• My best friend moved his family to Nashville.
• We adopted the most amazing little girl in the world, Elle Joy Elverum.
• I got sued.
• My startup failed.
• I have had five jobs (Call Box COO, Tech Founder, Tejas Roofer, TBK banker, Turns CEO).
• My dad died. This one was and is heavy, very heavy.
• I’ve gone to battle against fear and insecurity just about every day.

Life has not served up quite as much winning in the last five years and perhaps a few extra servings of losing.

The list above makes it look like it’s been a rough five years, doesn’t it? In some ways, I guess it has. What could go wrong did go wrong, especially in my career. For a stretch it felt like I would ask “What’s the worst possible thing that could happen?” and then that thing would happen. It was like all of my worst fears coming true — failing, feeling like a fraud, losing income, and finally losing my dad. One punch in the face after another.

Sounds pretty rough, right?

Well, parts of it were, but here’s the thing - Life never stopped being awesome.

The most important truth I want you to take away from this letter, the thing that you should tuck away and come back to when you need it, is this: Someday you will get punched in the face. In fact, there is a good chance at some point in your life everything will go wrong all at once. It will be incredibly unfair, it will be tremendously unlucky, it won’t be your fault (or it might be), it will be sad, there will be loss . . . but life will never stop being awesome.

There have been a lot of bummers for me over the last five years, but I look back at those years and see mostly awesomeness. The bummers were a bummer, but they weren’t as bad as I feared. Especially compared to all of the wonderful things in my life — your mom, you guys, my friends, good food, nice days, good books, fun adventures. All of those good things kept being good. The bummers were still there, but life was still good.

Lesson — The thing(s) you fear most in life isn’t nearly as bad as you think it is. If and when it happens, you will be ok. You will get through it. BUT! There is a better option than just “getting through it.” You can thoroughly enjoy life right in the midst of it.

I know because I did.

The truth is the last five years have been incredible. My favorite part was watching each of you grow. I have seen you gain knowledge, confidence, and perspective. I have watched you steadily become a better version of yourself. You guys have grown so so much. Seriously. I have photographic evidence. I am not the only Elverum who is a different person at the writing of this letter.

So, why am I writing this letter? Well . . .

I am writing this letter because it is so hard to share everything I want to share with you in spoken words. Lord knows I try, but it turns out that sharing your heart and bestowing wisdom is one of the hardest things to do as a dad. Let’s be honest, you hate it. Usually, it’s mostly awkward and totally weirds you out. That doesn’t mean I am going to stop. Nope! I will keep trying to speak life to you until the day that I die! . . . but maybe this will be more effective. At the very least it will still be here, waiting until you are ready to receive it.

I am writing because I think about the five of you more than I think about anything else.

I am writing because I devote more love to you than anything else (I am supposed to say except for God and your mom, but that wouldn’t be honest. During this season, you guys get the best of my love).

I am writing this letter because, unfortunately, I also devote a good deal of my fear and anxiety to you knuckleheads. Why? Because I see so much goodness, so much potential in each of you, and I am afraid of messing it up. I love being a dad. It’s the absolute best. I have always wanted to be a great dad. It’s my favorite thing in the world, but I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to get it right. I want to be the dad you deserve.

Finally, I am writing because I am so darn proud of you. I cannot say it enough. I am prouder of each of you than I ever thought possible.

I am writing this letter to earn the opportunity to tell you that I am so so proud of you in written form, a form that will hopefully last. Whenever you read this, be it next week, next year, or on your own 45th birthday I want that version of you to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that 45-year-old me was so darn proud of you Jake, Owen, Molly Mae, Emma, Elle, of the boy or girl you are and the man or woman you are becoming.

It feels important to tell you that because I can feel the time I get to spend as Dad to kids in my home growing shorter.

It’s freaking me out a bit, and when I get freaked out I find it helpful to write. So here we are. That is why I am writing this letter.

Enough of the love letter, let’s get on with it.

“How did I go about writing this letter?” I am so glad you asked.

This letter began with me asking myself, “What do I wish I could make them understand?” and scribbling down whatever popped into my head. After I listed out all the bits of wisdom and advice I wanted to share, I went back and read the letter I wrote on my 40th and tried to remember the man who wrote it.

David Brooks wrote a great book called The Second Mountain that I highly recommend when you hit 40. Looking back, I realize I wrote the first letter standing at the top of the first mountain. I didn’t know it at the time, but I see it clearly now.

This letter comes from a man who is trying his best to scale the second mountain.

40-year-old me wrote a letter with a bunch of advice. As I reread it, I realize that, although he was kind of a prideful idiot, 40-year-old me had in fact figured a few things out. He often knew the right answer, even if he was struggling to live it out.

He got it mostly right.

I am not here to add to or correct that letter. It stands for itself and the man who wrote it. I am here to tell you what’s on my mind at 45. A lot of it is the same, and some of it is exactly the same (maybe pay extra close attention to those). But some of it is different, and maybe some of it is more important.

So, what follows are some advice, lessons, and truths that your 45-year-old dad thinks he may have discovered and is spending his time exploring. I hope a few of them provide a shortcut for you.

45 at 45

1. Be weird. If you follow the advice below, it will make you different than most people. Good. Own it. Being different is a sign you are doing it right. It takes courage to be weird. Discovery — When people think you are weird it is often a sign of admiration. People always admire courage.
2. Be an initiator. The world needs more. Start things. Be a builder and invite the people around you to join in. Don’t wait. Go! That’s what leadership is. People support a world they helped create.
3. Seek moments where you can be in another culture and just exist. You don’t have to travel internationally to enjoy another culture. There are plenty of opportunities to put yourself around people who don’t look and sound like you do within a 20-minute drive. Find them. Be present. Make a friend. Appreciate the awesomeness of a culture that is different than your own.
4. Learn a language, preferably as soon as humanly possible. I regret punting on languages until I was 44, but I am pumped about learning Spanish right now. It’s awesome. Start early.
5. Embrace work that makes you sweat. Manual labor is a gift. I have done a poor job of giving you this gift. I pray you discover the joy of working really hard with your hands.
6. Workout . . . a lot. There are no shortcuts to getting and staying fit, but there is a very strong correlation between happiness and health. Make working out a habit, a meditation, an escape. It’s pure upside.
7. Read . . . a lot. This is not optional. Smart people read. Interesting people read. Leaders read. I raised you to be smart, interesting leaders. You have to read . . . books, not memes.
8. Speaking of books, life is better with a good fiction. Read multiple books at once and keep a fiction in the mix. Something that forces your imagination to run wild. Something that makes you stay up later than you intended.
9. Write . . . a lot. Keep a journal. Write letters to friends. Write poems to your wife. Write encouraging notes to your kids. Writing in school is not always fun, but don’t let that experience convince you that writing sucks. It doesn’t. It is sneaky awesome. Writing is a superpower you will need to . . . organize your thoughts, eliminate fear, communicate love, process grief, encourage, inspire.
10. Have sex with your spouse — a lot. I almost didn’t include this one, because it’s awkward and will make you cringe whenever you read it (at 13 and at 33). A good marriage includes a healthy sex life. Period. It can be hard with a busy life and a bunch of kids. Figure it out. Once a month is not enough.
11. Be super in love with and super into your spouse. The type of love, the reason for love, the feelings of love, the expressions of love — all of these things will change over the course of a marriage. That’s normal. Don’t let it freak you out. Embrace it as a positive sign. You are both changing, and that keeps things interesting. So stay a student of your spouse, and choose to love them like crazy.
12. Stay married. No matter what. Maybe not no matter what, but there are very very few reasons that are worthy of divorce. Stay married.
13. Have a lot of kids. Seriously. It is so so freaking awesome. It’s hard but completely awesome. The best part of my day is you guys. A big family is a big blessing.
14. Watch the dumb shows your kids watch. Don’t judge your kids. Just join them, enjoy them, and try to understand them better.
15. Have a quiet time. It took 40+ years and a global pandemic for me to finally build this habit. It’s one of the best things I have ever done. Read, write, think, pray.
16. Mo money, mo problems. Don’t believe otherwise. You just need enough. I have come to believe I am not destined for great wealth, and that is probably a blessing. I will never have too much, but I will always have enough.
17. Life is completely awesome, but it’s not about you. It’s about the connections you make. *This one is really important.
18. It’s okay to be a nobody (I struggle with this). Fame is not as great as it looks, and the people who really matter do know who you are. The people who really matter are almost certainly those with whom you share a physical space, can look in the eye, can touch. Not the people you interact with through a screen.
19. Make time for coffee and lunch with friends. Life will get incredibly busy. Getting lunch or coffee just to talk to a friend will be inconvenient. Do it anyway. You should try to do it at least once a week.
20. Get real with people as fast as possible. When you are talking to friends, coworkers, or strangers look for the chance to be honest and go deep early. Have a conversation that matters. Honesty and vulnerability are your best tools here.
21. Work to develop a group of people who care about you, listen to you, and miss you when you are not there. Do the same for them. It’s worth the time and energy to find and cultivate a group like that. It’s even better to have a few groups like that.
22. Similar to the above — Develop the habits that lead to deep friendships. Your mother is brilliant at this. Ask yourself, “What actions could you take on a daily basis that would help you build stronger relationships?” Build those actions into your daily routine. The best things in life all involve relationships.
23. Say “Yes!” . . . to invitations and opportunities. Fear tells you to turn down the invitation to play a sport you aren’t good at. Say no to the new food. Make an excuse about why you can’t go on the trip. Decide you can’t afford it. Well, screw fear! Say yes. To taking a class on something weird. To going on that adventure. To getting coffee. To risking your career for something that matters. 45 year old you will be thankful you did.
24. On that note. Be ok being bad at something and doing it anyway. Stop caring what other people think, because they aren’t thinking about your performance anyway. Pickleball is fun no matter how bad you are. Dancing is rad regardless of your skill level. (*note — This is not true for everything. Be a good driver or don’t get on the road.)
25. Pay attention to what you put in your body. It’s way more important than we like to admit.
26. Fight the mobile device in your pocket. It is designed by geniuses to take over your life and monetize your decisions. Fight it. A life spent staring at a screen is not an interesting story.
27. Get good sleep. I could write an entire essay here. Prioritize getting eight hours of sleep on a regular routine. There are very few things more important for your physical, mental, and spiritual health.
28. Be honest, like awkwardly honest. Don’t be a jerk and use honesty to hurt people’s feelings. Just be honest. There is always a way to tell the truth with grace and gentleness. When tempted to fib to avoid awkwardness, default to the honest answer.
29. Never forget that homeless people are people. They were a cute baby just like you. They were created by God for a purpose, just like you. Treat them accordingly.
30. Assume the best about people. The guy you think is a jerk is probably just shy. I’ve made this mistake so many times only to find out the person is wonderful. Stupid.
31. Listen, listen, listen. I know you are smart but listen and seek to understand. 45 years in and I am still lousy at listening. Listen, try to understand, question that understanding, confirm that understanding, and adjust your perspective based on that understanding. Tl;dr — Listen and care.
32. Get excited about stuff even when you have to do all the grudge work to make it happen. Taking a crew of kids to the lake is a lot of work. It is sweaty, often annoying work to make fun happen at the lake. But it is still awesome. I love it. I have to choose to look past the work and the annoyance to embrace the excitement of the fact we get to do this stuff. The same is true of vacations, sporting events, birthday parties — It’s just life. Don’t focus on the hard, focus on the awesome.
33. Do the life hacks. It’s fun to try to engineer a better way. Most won’t work for you and that’s fine. Find the ones that do.
34. Be a student of longevity. There is a science to living a full, active life for a very long period of time. Learn it. Take advantage of it.
35. Release the anger, fast. Getting angry happens to everyone sometimes. Staying angry is a choice. Anger is rarely useful. It breeds bad decisions, resentment, and regret. It just feels gross too.
36. Say “I love you” to the people you love . . . all the time (especially your parents!). `Also, hugs are awesome. Be generous with them.
37. Cry when you feel like crying, even if you are in public. It feels good.
38. Suffering is part of life. Go ahead and adopt a mindset that leaves room for the possibility that hard times will come.
39. It’s okay to be stressed. Stress is a part of life and it is good. It makes you push harder and be better. So, don’t waste time trying to avoid stress. Accept it as a reality of life and push through it. Remember that all you can do is your best. Control what you can control, beginning with your attitude and effort. Be satisfied with that.
40. It’s important to be knowledgeable in your area of expertise, but it’s just as important to be a good communicator. Technical knowledge plus the ability to express ideas through stories, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among people — that is the path to maximum impact.
41. Fear is the enemy. The most formidable I have ever encountered and it is not close. The devil deals in fear. Fear has many weapons: comparison, insecurity, and failure chief among them. All of those weapons are powerless in the face of truth. Find the fear in your life and replace it with truth. If you need help, please please call me.
42. Be patient. Good things take a while. Be good at working hard over long periods of time. Patience becomes perseverance. I don’t want you to just get through it though. I want you to enjoy it.
43. Don’t obsess over the outcome you are trying to produce. Life is about the journey, not the outcome, and it goes by way too fast. So, be present. Live life moment to moment.
44. Alcohol is a thief that steals those moments. Learn from my failure here, and avoid it completely if you can.
45. Love yourself. Your self-worth has nothing to do with your achievements and everything to do with your innate worthiness. You are worthy of love because you are you. Full stop.

These are the things that came to mind when I sat down to write you this letter. It feels like a lot, but at the same time, it feels woefully inadequate. Like me, this letter aspired to be absolutely amazing and finished “pretty good” at best. But like me, I hope you will judge this letter, not by the quality of the final product alone, but by the attitude and effort it represents.

The truth is I fail to follow the advice above way too often. I am very much a work in progress, a man trying his best to live a life that matters and write an interesting story in the process. It will be a story riddled with failure, and that’s just fine. It’s my story.

It will also be a story about a man who loved his kids with absolutely everything he had. Life is so so good, and I want you to have all of it. I am telling you, life is pretty awesome when you do it right. Choose to enjoy it.

You are writing a story with your life. Every season is a chapter. Every adventure is a page worth reading. The story you write is more important than the size of your bank account, so prioritize writing an interesting story over winning the bank account game.

Own it. Your story. Your weirdness. Your talent. Your preferences. Your mistakes. You are wonderfully and beautifully made. Nothing about you is a mistake. You are enough.

You’re blessed. You’re loved. You’re worth so much.

I am so proud of you.

Love,

Dad